Part 19: Four Funerals and a Wedding (Part 1)
What happened? Where are we?
Uh, hello? We're in Valhalla!
Anybody else feel kind of, uh, not living?
Right there with you, dude.
Aw man. Heather was right. There'll be no living with her now. There was before?
What up, Big O! Zero!
Jus' chillin', Z. Allfatherin' ain't easy. True dat. ... So, uh.
I have the power to revive you! Neat! But why would we want that? We're finally in Valhalla! This is as good as it gets! Heather, it's not just about us. The entire world is in trouble. Yeah. We've already come this far. If we can go back... Well, like, have fun with that. I'm gonna go get some mead. HEATHER ILLYSA DIMARCO whuh oh Somebody's in troooooouble~ I DID NOT LEND YOU MY STRENGTH FOR YOU TO TURN YOUR BACK ON THIS WORLD B-but I died the right way, what is, I don't It's not about dying! Can you not see that? A warrior who seeks death will give up victory. Truly heroic death is reserved for those who fight to win, for the right reasons. Throwing your life away isn't honor. It's stupidity. lol owned QUIET sorry sir being quiet now Great. You don't even want me to stay in Valhalla. This was all a total waste of time. Yes. And it will continue to be a waste of your time until you properly learn what honor is. Ooh! Ooh! Now do the "whosoever wields this hammer" part! No. Aw. Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but how are we supposed to get back? You could learn a lot from your well-mannered robot friend. kiss-ass At any rate...
...as long as you have the courage to keep fighting. Hmm. Well, it's either that or we're dead, sooooo...
Let's go for it! Wonderful! Best of luck to you!
... 
... Wait a minute. Didn't we just kill you guys? Odiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin 
So, here's how FFL2 handles party wipes. The first time it happens, you get this little cutscene with Odin, who gives you guys a free pass to come back. From here on out, if you completely wipe, you'll end back here and get the option to fight again. Pretty merciful, all things considered. There is, of course, a catch, but it's one we really don't need to worry about. (For now.) Unfortunately, the key word here is "fight." Odin does not drop back you back on the map. No, this is Norse mythology, and you earn your way back to life by winning the fight that killed you.
This can, of course, be unfortunate at times.
... ... I... I really didn't expect you to be back so soon. Hey, you said you'd do it as long as we kept fighting. No takesies-backsies.Very unfortunate, in fact.
I'm telling you, Murphy! They won't stay dead! They're not doing that much damage! Just keep hitting them!
Us agaaaaaain~ 
... oh god, my non-corporeal arms, I can't keep doing this Now's our chance!
Awesome! Should be smooth sailin' from h—
... Guess it's up to us, then.
Girl power.
And so, we finally put an end to that stupid, stupid fake chest. We get a whole measly 1k out of it and a shitload of wasted time.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled plot.
Oof. Hope nobody needs healing after that. I'm completely tapped out. 'nother door up there. We better go check it out. It's not like things could get any worse.
Ooh! I bet these have magi in them! Uh. Should we be opening random chests after that last fight, dooder? C'mon, Zero. They wouldn't put a trap this close to the last one. It'd be too obvious.
I mean, who even puts monsters in a chest? How do they even fit in there? 
As far as I know, these are the only two trap chests in the game. They're down here in the sewers in the magi rooms, and you'll inevitably trip both the first time through. Fortunately, we know proper tactics this time around...
GREAT, I HATE TREASURE NOW, ARE YOU ASSHOLES HAPPY...and with a little extra luck, we beat this one on the second try.
Oof. If I drink any more healing potion, I think I'm going to throw up.
BLARG OH COME ON We're totally running low on resources. We have to get out of here, and fast. 
Uh... Sara? 
Seriously. Is everything okay over there? 
Huh. So that's how mom does that.One good thing about these chest fights: they're a ridiculously high tier of random encounter, so our mutants can pop equally ridiculous abilities! Sara picks up StonGaze, a group instakill which isn't nearly as deadly as in FFL1. Still, we keep it hanging around, because who doesn't want a superhumanly agile mutant that wields a laser sword, drains life force at a touch, and can turn people to stone with a glance? It's like a mid-90s Jim Lee fever dream!
I am not touching that thing. Same. Hey, treasure! NO DON'T
Cool! More sunscreen! Here you go, Sara. I drank the last one. Figures. The one chest Zero decides to open, and—wait, what?
She was drinking elixir this entire time?! Man, and I thought it was just aloe vera or something.
Well, now that we have the world's most powerful sunscreen, why not open another chest?
Woo! Looks like one of yours, Heather. Rad. Hey, want to see something totally cool? Sure?
Hup! ackAs we've mentioned before, Giant armor buffs strength, and Heather's almost got a full set. With a magi-unaided strength of 53(!!) and about five power magi, she's basically Power Girl at this point. As long as her Agility stays high enough to connect, she is going to cause bosses some serious headaches.
Yup. Entering the City of Beauty through the sewers. The irony just doesn't stop. Something tells me Venus is gonna yank our hall passes if she catches a whiff of us right now. After everything we've seen, I really couldn't care less what Venus thinks.
Hey, it's Flora! We've got great news! We found Leon!
Oh... That's... that's nice... ...?
...Venus. But, like, why? She's supposed to be the goddess of love! She should know you and Leon are happier together! Oh... you don't know... Don't know what? Uh, guys? Should those buildings be shaking right now?
Huh. Anyway. What don't I know? Venus arranges all marriages in the city. We're paired with a selected husband when we come of age. It's necessary to keep our city beautiful and pure. Why don't you just run away with Leon? We can take you to him! It would be against Venus' orders...
Leon is brave and handsome. He'll find another woman who will love him just as much. Like, this isn't right. Any of it. Um. Does anyone else smell something really awful? GOTTA RUN MAGI TO COLLECT BYEAfter you grab all the magi in the sewers and talk to Flora, a volcano springs up in the middle of nowhere, because of course it does. There's some amount of precedence; if you ask around the jungle village, you'll find out the "old temple of the gods" was to the north or something like that. There's actually a much more saliant explanation that we'll see way, way later. I'm pretty sure the plot point's accidental, but it works out pretty well nonetheless.
I really, really, really hate this place. Wow. You've done a complete 180 in these last few hours. It's gross. I'm constantly sweating, there's bugs everywhere, we had to walk through a sewer... just, ugh. Yeah. And now, have to slog through another vol— Don't. What? Just... don't say the "V" word. Not after last time. What "V" word? Volcano dammit Zero
Volcanoes, man. Volcanoes never change. Hey, it could be worse! We're about to spend fifteen minutes wading through burning molten lava, again. How could it be worse? This submarine's in way better shape! It can actually surface! I am going to throw you into the lava now. Ooh! Ooh! Let me help!Next Time: Four Funerals and a Wedding (Part 2)